I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
