whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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