Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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