sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
