11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
