Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
