Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
