I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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