He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
