it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
