I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
