Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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