She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
MIDGETS
????
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize