I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You pole danced in your parka.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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