Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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