He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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