Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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