dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
