How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize