Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
