oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
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