How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize