im drinking this country out of the recession.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
