she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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