I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize