omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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