He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
