Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
