Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
