Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
