So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize