Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
