I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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