my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
