he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
