I showed him my bush... on skype.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
