You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
