mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
