I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
