I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
