i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize