Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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