piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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