I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
