I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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