"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Randomize