The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
