Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
