I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
