I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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