Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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