Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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