Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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