Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
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