Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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