I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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