Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I touched a dick in church today
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
