Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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