So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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