I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
FUCK WHALES
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
