I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i think i scared a bird with my dick
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
