There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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